Hey folks! So first up, let me introduce myself; I’m Rachel, a confidence and identity coach (fiercefolks.com) who works with clients to build self advocacy and drive to put yourself first and live your life as unapologetically ‘you’ as possible.
It’s become very clear to me that so many of my clients, primarily womxn, often have the feeling of guilt, fear or shame around situations they find themselves in, in daily life, where they feel conditioned to behave or react in a certain way because this is what society has taught us is the ‘correct’ way to behave. Rather than just feeling how they actually feel, or want to feel. And I want to talk about these times because I believe that being able to be honest with yourself will help to erode the guilt, fear or shame – because let’s face it, we don’t need any added bullshit pressure in life.
This week I am sorry, not sorry about crying during an exchange with an asshole.
Many of us find it embarrassing or frustrating that we’re not able to get through confrontation or difficult conversations without crying. We’re worried we’re going to be seen as weak or overly emotional, forever marked as ‘the woman who can’t hold her shit together’. Well I say fuck that. There are physiological reasons we cry and there is NO shame in it if it happens to you.
It happened to me this week when my apartment building manager was shouting at me in the lobby in front of several other residents for breaking a rule that I wasn’t aware even existed. I then bumped into him the next day and he continued his rant. And I cried. I just stood there and cried. After the entire debacle was over, I was so embarrassed that I didn’t go out as planned and instead turned around and came straight home and cried some more. And I spent the day sitting with those feelings to really try and unpick what was in there;
- I was embarrassed that people had witnessed me being ‘told off’ (a hang up I have from childhood)
- I was ashamed with myself for not being able to hold my emotions under control in front of him – I felt like he had won (won what I have no fucking clue, but it definitely felt like he was the clear winner in this situation)
- I was angry – like, really fucking angry that he dared speak to me like a child
- I was frustrated that I am not a fair match to be able to stand up to him – if I were a man he never would have reacted that way
- I was uncomfortable and intimidated by him
This was a shitty situation to begin with because the rule is genuinely SO pointless, exacerbated by his unnecessary levels of anger that just made it all the more ridiculous. My instant reaction was just to turn and walk away from him, but fear held in to the spot, this guy is 6”4 and solid. I am not 6”4 and solid, far from it in fact. I tried to placate him, rather than challenge him because we all know how it goes with men like this. I instinctively knew it was pointless to try and get him to understand what he had just done to me, in my own home; made me feel unsafe. I hadn’t even understood that myself at that point, but my body clearly knew.
It was only the next day after standing by my front door trying to muster the courage to go downstairs and walk alone through the lobby to get to my pottery class and being unable to move that I cried some more. This time just pure, quiet, calm tears entirely for myself as the dawning realisation hit. I was sorry I had made myself feel so shit the day before for ‘not handling it well’ and for crying in front of him. I was sorry for being angry with myself for not standing up to him. I was sorry that I am probably not the first person he has made feel this way, and likely won’t be the last.
I made peace with myself in that moment that my reaction was totally justified and not ‘overly emotional’. I began to think about the warning signs my body had given me. Full fight or flight response – my hairs were standing on end, my heart was pounding, my inability to move, like a rabbit caught in the headlights. I could barely speak because I was genuinely terrified by the enormous man who was screaming at me in very close proximity. If we were wild animals he would be the lion and I’d be the totally fucked antelope about to get it’s throat ripped out. It’s no fucking wonder I cried. You instinctively know your fate before you mentally realise it. And your body needs to release that adrenaline and cortisol (the stress hormone) sometimes it’s in the form of tears, sometimes shaking, sometimes vomiting. All perfectly natural bodily responses and absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.
So next time you berate yourself for crying in a situation, pause for a moment and think about what has really caused the tears to fall – because it sure as hell isn’t because you’re weak, unprofessional, or overly emotional.
If you want to know more about Rachel and Fierce Folks you can check them out on Instagram @fiercefolks.
